I found myself once again circling back, wondering, what it would take to get some 
traction regarding my desire to lose weight. I have done so much emotional cleaning up on this issue already. And with each new epiphany, I know I was making progress because the old beliefs/issues never re-surfaced, but at the same time, it was never quite enough to move the scale in the downward direction with any consistency. So, I recognized there must still be something else blocking me. But, what could it be? After all what was left to uncover? It’s not like I just started looking at this issue…
So, I deliberately focused my thinking to try to find any negative thoughts with respect to losing weight. And found I wasn’t aware of having any around this subject. So, I put on my detective’s cap a little tighter and decided to pay even closer attention to my thoughts. And well, a couple of weeks past, and still nothing.
So, back to the drawing board… what else could it be I pondered… as I retraced my thoughts, and still I couldn’t find anything. But, just when I thought I’d have to pack it in for the day on this subject, I felt a particular “FEELING”. I was getting up from my desk chair, and I had this awareness while pushing on the armrests, moving my body upward, which caused a negative feeling in the pit of my stomach. There were no perceptible thoughts associated, just a negative feeling and it was about my body!
I gasped because I’d been so unaware of it until now, but I recognized it as a very FAMILIAR feeling! As a matter of fact, I’ve experienced this feeling multiple times a day… like whenever I see myself in the mirror or require extra effort in getting up from the couch, and so on.
So, now, I felt a little excited, like I was on to something with this new awareness.
I then asked myself “what does this feeling feel like?” 
And the voice in my head uttered a sound something like “Ugh” (with a guttural tone). And I asked myself, “what does Ugh mean? And the response inside my head was “It’s too hard” (with the tonality of dopey dog). And then, there was this accompanying feeling of utter despair. The kind of despair where you feel there’s no use, there’s no point in trying, it’s hopeless…
Wow, that was quite a discovery!!! Here, I finally recognized that I’d been feeling this way for ages, but it was so “under the radar” of perception, I was unaware that this negative feeling had been lurking about.
Now, I believe that within EVERY feeling is a message from our Inner Being. But, we have to be aware of the feeling, or we miss the message waiting for us. So, having uncovered that negative feeling… I knew I was making headway.
It was a Friday at the end of the business day when I uncovered this. So, feeling pretty enthusiastic and passionate about this new discovery, I declared to myself that I would take the weekend to get a breakthrough regarding this “Ugh” feeling. What that means is…I will be deliberate about my thinking. I will ask myself questions, and I will expect answers. But, I always give myself a break, where if the answers don’t come immediately, I go and do something else, and return to the breakthrough mission later.
And, so I began.
What I feel now: “It’s too hard” (to control my weight).
What I want: ”I want thinness to come to me as natural as breathing comes to me”.
Now that I’ve identified where I am AND where I want to go, I then ask myself all sorts of questions around these 2 thoughts…and then let my thoughts roll…
…I’m trying to control something that was perhaps never meant for me (or any human) to control. My body knows exactly what to do, and how to care for itself… it knows how to metabolize perfectly. It knows how to ask for what it needs – by proving food cravings or a desire to move in certain ways.
So, who am I to try to “control” my body?
What if I was on the right track as a child. What if I was doing everything right… following those internal signals telling me when I was hungry, and leading me to the foods that would nourish my small body. What if all the physical activity I was doing was because it’s what my body was internally asking for, and as a child, I simply followed the impulses. And what if, the beauty of the natural rhythm of me following my body’s signals got interrupted when the family intervened? Apparently, as the story goes, I had 2 grandmothers and a great aunt express their concerns about my weight to my mother, and persuaded her to believe she needed to do something about my weight or it would get out of control. Mind you, I was only about 5, 6, or 7 yrs. old, and in the ’60s, I was considered “chubby”, although no one bothered to recognize how incredibly physically active I was – a possible athlete or dancer in the making.
And, when the family intervened, EXTERNAL controls were introduced.
Which reminds me of a story that I recall mom telling me. When I was around 2 or 3 yrs old, she would follow me around the apt, putting saltine crackers in my hands, hoping I would eat them because she felt I wasn’t eating enough. Now here’s an idea that came from remembering that story – What if I was already eating all that my little body needed? And with mom sticking crackers in hands, and trying to get me to eat them, perhaps she was trying to “control” a system that was already “perfect” and she was contaminating it by trying to control it?
That makes me feel like I want to throw the giant “RESET” button on my body. I’d like to go back to the natural controls that were in place when I first emerged into this physical existence. To follow the natural laws…I believe that would mean, if I was hungry, my body would send me a signal indicating hunger, then my body would also send me signals through cravings for the kind of food it wanted. Likewise, when my physical body felt the desire for physical activity, I would be inspired to stretch, or walk, or whatever.
I believe my body has the innate intelligence to always care for itself. And the problem is that we (as humans) have gotten in the way of “what was meant to be a perfect, self-governed system”. But, what if the truth is, if we let go of trying to control our bodies, the body’s natural intelligence will begin to take over, and will once again govern itself.
The question is how do I let go of a lifetime of habitual thoughts that have been controlling what my body does?
Bathroom break. (I mention this because I find that when I’m in the powder room, the most interesting thoughts occur to me.)
And my thoughts while on break did not disappoint… they continued into even deeper ideas… So, I’ve pretty much always had this viewpoint… that I ONLY try things I believe I could be really good at. And what if I intuitively knew that if I tried to govern my body’s needs, I would fail. Because how can I possibly run a system that is so complex. Therefore, maybe I knew my body (like a computer) would always be superior at it. And controlling this area of my life would NOT be something I considered prudent, therefore it fell outside of the things that I wanted to tackle.
I am good at so much, but everyone one of them are things that I LIKE to do and on some level come easy to me… as natural as breathing, you could say.
So, if I’m holding the reigns on this area of my life because I’ve been brainwashed into thinking – it was up to me to control… BUT, I’ve felt that it was too hard to control… and because intuitively I knew it was NOT the arena that I was meant to control… Maybe, I’ve known the REAL TRUTH all along… that when it comes to my body, that system is already in good hands… perfect hands… the hands of my Inner Being… and my Eternal nature has that one under control… Leaving me to control other things, such as deciding what I’d like to create and master in my life.
Mmm… so when it comes to my body, I can rest comfortably knowing that if I DON’T control it, it’s not like it will run amuck… NO, it will be controlled by the ONE that was always intended to control it… the Universal Force, my Inner Being, my Inner Self.
And I’ll bet that was how life as human beings was always intended to be. So picture this, me as My Inner Self emerges into this physical body as a baby. And the deal was that my Inner Self would keep the body operating… mmm, like my Inner Self controls my operating system, like an operating system on a computer. And it was intended that the arena that I would play in, would be that of the applications. I would decide through exploring life, what apps to upload. So, maybe it was never meant for me to mess around with trying to control the operating system (my body).
I’m liking where this train of thought is taking me.
But, I can feel the vibration (or energy signal) I’m emanating into the Universe feels out of control, incapable, and resistant. And I’m deeply concerned about the vibrational nature of my thoughts because whatever energy signal I send out into the Universe is what comes back to me. And I’ve been getting 40+ years worth of “out of control, incapable, and resistant” thoughts & experiences coming back to me regarding my body. So, I am seeking to change those thoughts, so my energetic vibration will change, so what I send out into the Universe is what I want to be returned back to me, such as “thinness coming to me as natural as breathing comes to me”.
So, these “Ugh” feelings are the culprit. I experience feeling them multiple times a day, sending a constant stream of yucky vibrations into the Universe, thereby mucking up my energetic system. It seems kind of like, a computer virus. When a virus is introduced to a computer, it causes the computer to do a bunch of weird stuff that it was never intended to do. The virus attacks the operating system, messing it up. And I’ll bet that’s what my “Ugh” vibration has been doing to my body… sending it all kinds of warped and weird instructions.
So, I’m thinking when I replace those “it’s too hard” thoughts, which would be like removing a virus from a computer and RESETTING the operating system back to the default settings, it would be like having my body RESET back to its natural state of optimum performance. And I can get back to what I was intended to do: purposefully creating a wonderful life.
New thought: I release control of my body to my Inner Self. And in so doing, it will run perfectly and return to its natural state… healthy, strong, flexible, agile, energetic, full of stamina, thin, beautiful, glowing skin, and youthful.
That new thought feels really good. The original thought of “it feels hard” doesn’t feel so true any more. I can sense these new ideas have caused me to see my relationship with my body in a very different light. So, the idea of “it feeling hard for me to control my weight”, seems a bit odd now because NOW I’m thinking why would it be for me to control? That’s not my responsibility. That is the responsibility of my Inner Self.
So, where does this leave me in terms of what should I eat, or how I should exercise? I feel that since I’m giving the responsibility for my body’s health back to my Inner Self, thus resetting my system back to the default settings, I would expect communication from my body. I will do my best to be listening for the new signals. And I have a feeling, what my body tells me may not be anything like I might think it to be. So, I will just have to stay tuned in, and I’ll find out.
At this point, what I do know IS that I have greatly shifted my perspective regarding my relationship with my body. And as my past experience has taught me… once I make a shift in my perception, the vibrational offering that goes into the Universe also changes, and thus what will come back to me will be different. So, I’m excited to see what this piece of work has done for me. The evidence will be in what shows up.
I do feel a huge feeling of relief, of freedom from the bondage of thinking I had to figure it all out. I am happy to have my Inner Self back on the job. And I’m prepared, so if an old negative feeling shows up regarding my body’s state, I will enthusiastically counter with my new thought, reminding myself that I am no longer managing the day to day aspects of my body’s weight because control has been delegated to my Inner Self who is better equipped than I at managing that task.
The question remains… is this the last and final piece of work I will need to do on this subject? Well, I’m always the eternal optimist, and life will let me know the answer to that one. But, I know for now, that I have not experienced the “Ugh” feeling for over 48 hours, and that has to be a record. I love the results of deliberately working on thoughts and beliefs.
P.S. After doing this piece of work, I felt like being active, so I got out of the house and went on an adventure. And the next morning, I got the impulse to eat scrambled eggs. And they tasted great!