The pressure behind my eyes from the intense crying remained for a couple of days which was a continual reminder that the anger that had finally been liberated was monumentally significant in my journey. My head was now filled with thoughts trying to reconcile these feelings. And as usual, my thoughts rambled… I thought that because they (my family) had all decided to project their judgment of fatness upon me, I believed I was fat regardless of what I actually looked like. I have so many photos that show a Wendy that looked great, but I couldn’t accept how great I looked, I couldn’t accept I was thin because of the ever-present and ear-piercing criticisms that were inside my head, telling me I was overweight. This inner voice was so authoritative and believable, who was I to resist?
Their strong feelings of judgment that I was overweight – were feelings I buried at a very early age. Expressing them was not an option because it hurt too much. And I did such a good job of repressing them, Mom thought I was in denial about the weight issue, and thought I wasn’t even aware of it. And on some level, I didn’t really understand what all the fuss was about because I was too young to fully comprehend – I might have been only 8 when I remember the judgment begin. But, on another level, I fully absorbed the energy vibration of the pain and judgment which was very real.
I felt a need to obtain “their” approval – and I realized now, that receiving their approval would never happen. Because even when I did reach thinness – Mom had her excuses to withhold her approval. I thought they’d all be happy once I achieved thinness – but they all betrayed me. I had no idea the reward of approval would NEVER be presented even when I gave them what I thought they’d been demanding of me. IT WAS A TRICK! It felt like it was one big cosmic trick. Yep, this is the crux of the anger. I knew I hit pay dirt. This is what I’ve been so angry about. And at this point, I was able to recognize that this injustice issue where I talked about “my sister trying on my thin clothes and the comparison of how I was viewed compared to her” as a reoccurring issue that surfaced in my adult life every now and then. But, always with a minuscule amount of emotion surrounding it. And then, it would just recede into where ever it came from until then next time it surfaced. But, because the emotion was never that strong, it was easy to dismiss. But, now, after this rage-filled outburst of emotion, I can look back in hindsight to recognize that of all of the anger issues I’d processed on this topic, this one had been overlooked.
Now, I see that the truth is they COULD NEVER see me as thin. They couldn’t. They couldn’t because they focused for so long on my being overweight, that even when thinness was standing right in front of them, they couldn’t change their judgment because they couldn’t see anything but fat. And yet, I’ve been waiting for them to release me from their judgment.
BIG EPHIPHANY HERE… they can’t release me from my believing “I’m the fat one”. Only I can release myself from this judgment. As a matter of fact, even if they had all completely changed their opinion of me; and they all saw me as thin, I still would NOT see myself in that light because I’m the one that has perpetuated this judgment. And granted, I did not initiate these fat thoughts, but I am the one that has sustained them for all of my adult years. And the upside to this IS… if I’m the one that that has had the power to sustain these thoughts, I have the power to stop and change these thoughts!
So, I asked myself “If the belief “I’m fat” is a lie, then what is the truth? And the evidence to know when I’ve reached this truth I’m seeking IS that it will have to be something I can believe (not just think sounds good) because it has to be powerful enough to replace the belief that “I’m fat” where I can really FEEL the difference in my gut.
This whole scenario validated that doing anything for someone else’s approval is dangerous. If I didn’t care about my family’s approval, I could NOT have been so negatively influenced by what they thought. However, like I mentioned before, I was but a child. How could I NOT absorb the energy in my environment. Children are sponges, and can not help, but to absorb whatever’s in their environment. But, thank goodness, as adults, we can change the energy that we hold with a deliberate shifting of what we give our attention to, thus what we believe.